Darkness

A sad hickory cloud hovered over me
I lay still never to be found

Proudly, I suppose, I stood my ground

When the air tightened up around me with the atmosphere gone
darkness found me
Floating on a winter river's run
paralyzed by cold, grasping for breath, which I had none
I gave up on this meaningless abode

Quietly floating on this thrill
my self assurance died.
No!
It was killed.

My cold saliva turned to ice and I felt nothing. Nothing, but the chill ...

I endured each and every lash.
Whips and scorns showered me with pain and crucified, like Christ, but not insane I lay misunderstood, floating, certain nothing much could ever break me, although, my blood soaked body dared to ache me with the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders and his harsh betrayal echoing in my head. Numb, I wondered, am I still alive or am I dead?

As a yelping shriek of an abandoned banshee rides into town on her crimson tidal wave, my crushed skull spilled open in it's creases with hot blood melting away the early snow.
This dandelion flesh turns work of art, conquering his fragile little heart, tearing mine into a million little pieces with one blow
My fire made his dim.
With no aid to his defense, no one to  hear him scream
Only, love made no more sense

Men are ruled by stars, so stars they seek
Gods reward the weary and the meek

There are things I will never forget
Some things can never be undone
There is someone for everyone, I thought
A free spirit, reflecting on her life, I handle pain
Love is now my drive

When I placed a dark shroud on my head I waved good bye to false love
I let myself be dead
Defenseless as I was, a woman scorned, his promises meant nothing, they are gone
With tears in my eyes, my mortal tears eaten up by the busy waves
I'm counting hours of my life, lonely hours instead of lonely days

The truth is I died long ago, when all I hoped to know once came to me in a strange, very vivid dream
I realized it was my faith that rescued me
What I give to others I also give to me
Now Love is my religion
Now that I can see

I have no more tears to shed, no eyes, no hands, no body and no head
Floating above my winter river bed this wretched little soul and words inside my head
I lifted up without any wings
I become one with everything
I found a place where only love can find me
Pain erased, bright light head, darkness far behind me

The river engaged in her fancy trip by a bent oak tree that ripped my stiff cloak off my naked body giving it another ice cold soak
side to side I dipped in, then once over
my mind someplace else examining the rainbows, wind chimes and colors never seen
I was working on my afterbirth, but as soon as my face touched the water, consciously revived, I tried to scream  - Noooooooo! No words came out. I couldn't comprehend why my ordeal found an end.
I was happy there, astonished by the things that I have seen
Yet, they removed me from the river as my blood soaked body entertained some men
pulled me back into my body from the wonder world where I have been

Street lights …railing …. remembering the crash …I heard a voice, then with a rush of images I pulled back into me
A voice said: "This is how it has to be."
It wasn't my time, I get it now, I do
Love is everlasting, that is nothing new, but I also learned that life is about overcoming fear
and that death is a transition.
Love never disappears

Love is not a thing I need, yet, love is what I want
The kind of love where I can barely breathe
I really thought I knew me with the old, but finding love again, somehow, love is void of pain
and on my mind are his hands, his lips, those brown eyes that pierce through me ... melting!
Of course I never know me!
It is a kind of love I never felt.
Now that I am grown, real love found me on her own  and it's the kind of love that feels like home 

The Fog

I spend my free time reading or writing, but ten years ago, I was out clubbing almost every night of the week. Hours of dancing were followed up with a slice of delicious pizza at Boston Kenmore Sq Pizza pad or quick kebab wrap from a street vendor at the back of Fenway Park. One Friday, I said no to pizza. I just wanted to get home, curl up in my bed and get some much needed sleep.

Driving down crowded Lansdowne street, where sweaty tired people enveloped my car like a herd of wild bull. I made my way toward the interstate taking me home to the south side of Beantown.

It was almost three in the morning, but to my surprise, I wasn’t tired. I was not inebriated. I may have been a little hungry, but it was a beautiful summer night and I rather enjoyed the ride home. The air was clear and the sky still dark enough for stars, though I noticed not many were out. I was singing along to Cocteau Twins, mumbling strange words in true karaoke with my window rolled down all the way. The warm summer breeze seeping in was an absolute dream. I wasn't dreaming. I was fully awake, though what happened next was unexplainable.

t remember thinking the highway is exceptionally busy around me. I was driving 60 mph about to go under an overpass, when a gray van full of rowdy boys came hurling out of nowhere. I almost ran my car into a wall reacting in a millisecond when they got too close to me. I turned the steering wheel too far over to the right, fast and very forcefully, trying to avoid a collision with the van, only to realize there was no breakdown lane to my right. All I saw was a stone wall.

Somehow, I never hit that wall. Instead, I made a 360 degree turn. I remember bricks, then, I suddenly found myself center lane, at a complete stop. How did my car stop? How did I get to the center lane? How was I still alive? If I passed out, which I must have, is it possible I made that 360 degree turn myself? My gut feeling kept saying NO

At that moment, an image of my grandmother’s sweet smiling face came to mind, then faded away. Next, I remembered the van, then all the cars that were on the road at my side, behind me, a head of me…and I panicked. I kept thinking: "I have to get out of here! I'm going to get hit!"

I turned the engine on convinced I must rush forward immediately, before someone hits me from behind, but the car was too slow for my liking. I took my foot off the break, looked into the rear view mirror - shocked. As if a giant invisible arm brushed all the vehicles far behind me over a hundred feet! They were all too far away! In fact, there was a foggy film of air between us. Where did the fog come from? It was such a beautiful summer night! I remember that clearly.

A chill came over me. I understood what happened, though, none of it made sense. I stepped on the gas pedal, slowly moving forward 20, 30, then 40 mph, all the while feeling eyes on me. By this time, the vehicles which were mysteriously moved far behind me have caught up. The strangest thing was that I soon realized I’ve seen them all before. The vehicles passing me by were the same vehicles I had passed by earlier that night. I wasn’t tired at all. I wasn't drunk. I was fully awake. This was no illusion. How could this be? Again, I began talking to myself: "I didn’t have a drop of alcohol in me. I wasn’t sick, I didn’t hurt my head. Is this the Twilight Zone? The vehicles were the same color, carrying the same people inside. I've seen them all before!

Like any sane person would do, I told myself what I’m thinking isn’t true. I said it out loud several times until I was almost convinced nothing happened. Sorting my thoughts, I spiraled through emotions. Tears filled my eyes thinking of my grandmother. Perhaps, it happened? Did she save me? I felt uneasy, swallowing hard, wiping away my tears. I couldn't stop. Ready to ball my eyes out, I pulled over to the breakdown lane where I broke all down.

My head turned to look out my open window, warm summer breeze smack in my face and the biggest shock of all. The gray van with the rowdy boys swished past me as if for the very first time! They were hanging out the windows, shouting the same lame drunken frat boy come ons as before: “Whohoa, baby! How ya doing tonight?” I froze in place. I got my answer. It happened. It really happened! I smelled the summer breeze, I heard the boys shouting, I saw the accident take place, I felt my grandmother all around me and I tasted my own tears. I can’t deny it. It was real. My senses told me it all happened. It’s like the proverbial tree. If no one hears it, did it fall? I knew it had. It fell. It happened.

If that is possible. Anything is possible! This is all we are. Our senses. If I had no senses I could dismiss all that happened. It would be easy. It would be easier than believing there is a while other world out there. A world we know nothing about. A world we lost touch with. However, I saw, I heard, I felt, I tasted my own salty tears that night and it proved everything to me. Everything I needed to know about life.

Life is a roller coaster ride. It goes up and down, winding every which way, slow at times, then fast, but knowing we all get off one day, it's important we keep going and that we enjoy the ride. We must make the best of life. We must learn to love and overcome fear. Since we all get off the ride someday, there should be no fear. Let's life fearlessly. Let's wipe away our tears and embrace the unusual!

It happened. It was a very scary realization, but in a way, it was incredible. Albert Einstein once said:
“I think therefore I am” I get it now. It's all about what I think. I have to be positive. I have to have hope. I felt like something 'out there' didn't want me to die. Maybe, I am meant for something great, something I have yet to achieve. Still, I wonder, who’s watching?