Darkness

A sad hickory cloud hovered over me
I lay still never to be found

Proudly, I suppose

I stood my ground

When the air tightened up around me, with the atmosphere gone,
darkness found me

Floating on a winter river's run
paralyzed by cold, grasping for breath, which I had none
I gave up on this meaningless abode

Quietly floating on this thrill, my self assurance died.
No!
It was killed.

My cold saliva turned to ice 

I felt nothing. 

Nothing, but the chill ...

Still, I endured each and every lash....

Whips and scorns showered me with pain

Crucified, like Christ, and drenched in blood

I lay floating in the river, as insane

certain nothing more could break me

as my blood soaked body dared to ache me with the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders

His harsh betrayal echoing in my head I lay there thinking

Am I alive or dead?

Who will find me here?

A yelping shriek of an abandoned banshee rode into town on a crimson tidal wave when my crushed skull began spilling in it's creases, hot blood melting away the early snow.

Am I breathing?

I don't know ....

My dandelion flesh turns into a work of art

conquering my fragile broken heart, tearing me into a million little pieces with one blow

my fire dim

slowly dying, no aid to my defense

I fold

Life makes no more sense...

No one is crying for me, no one can hear me scream
Am I screaming?

I can't hear me ....

Men are ruled by stars, so stars they seek, while God rewards the weary and the meek
There are things I can't forget
Things that can never be undone
It's insane, that I am now a spirit

Reflecting on my life as I cab see it now 

I always embraced pain, but Love is now my drive

Behold the light!

A dark shroud melts away 

I wave good bye to falsehood and I chose to stay

Let myself be dead

Why be alive again
Defenseless as I was, a woman scorned

with false promises

no! nothing.

I am done

I am gone

I am happy here

Tears in my eyes, my mortal tears

are now eaten up by the busy waves

the last minutes of my life, become hours, then days of pure 

uninterrupted bliss

Truth be told I died long ago, when all I hoped to know once came to me in a strange, very vivid, dream

I realized then that it was my faith who rescued me

Love is the only thing I took with me
What I give to others I also give to me
for eternity....

Love is my religion
Love is all I see

I have no more tears to shed, no eyes, no hands, no body and no head
Floating on the winter river's bed 

With only a few words on my mind I lift up without any wings

a wretched little soul above some flesh

a thought that became one with everything

Embraced by the light, I devour piece

In a place where only love can find me, pain erased

fear far behind me
I exhale ...

The river engaged in her fancy trip passed by a large bent oak tree 

Some twig grabbed hold of my stiff cloak

with one rip my body is revealed, flipping over for a another ice cold dip, side to side, over, then once again

there is more water now, with the heavy rain

I'm among the rainbows, wind chimes, strange colors never seen

I am happy here, I feel, astonished by the things I see

Is this just a dream or someplace where I'm supposed to be?
As they removed me from the river, my blood soaked body entertained some men just as I pulled back into my body

as my soul was forced to return into me ....

Street lights …railing …. I recall the crash …with a rush of images I woke up and screamed. 

Both because the water was so cold and I was startled by the rescuers
I guess it's how it has to be....It wasn't my time

I get that now

Love is everlasting

Life is about love

We conquor life by overcoming fear

Death is a transition...love never dissapears

Love is the only thing we need, the rest are wants

By perfecting ourselves, trusting destiny
Real love us on her own

That's what I want

I will wait for that, the kind of love that feels like home 

The Fog

I spend my free time reading or writing, but ten years ago, I was out clubbing almost every night of the week. Hours of dancing were followed up with a slice of delicious pizza at Boston Kenmore Sq Pizza pad or quick kebab wrap from a street vendor at the back of Fenway Park. One Friday, I said no to pizza. I just wanted to get home, curl up in my bed and get some much needed sleep.

Driving down crowded Lansdowne street, where sweaty tired people enveloped my car like a herd of wild bull. I made my way toward the interstate taking me home to the south side of Beantown.

It was almost three in the morning, but to my surprise, I wasn’t tired. I was not inebriated. I may have been a little hungry, but it was a beautiful summer night and I rather enjoyed the ride home. The air was clear and the sky still dark enough for stars, though I noticed not many were out. I was singing along to Cocteau Twins, mumbling strange words in true karaoke with my window rolled down all the way. The warm summer breeze seeping in was an absolute dream. I wasn't dreaming. I was fully awake, though what happened next was unexplainable.

t remember thinking the highway is exceptionally busy around me. I was driving 60 mph about to go under an overpass, when a gray van full of rowdy boys came hurling out of nowhere. I almost ran my car into a wall reacting in a millisecond when they got too close to me. I turned the steering wheel too far over to the right, fast and very forcefully, trying to avoid a collision with the van, only to realize there was no breakdown lane to my right. All I saw was a stone wall.

Somehow, I never hit that wall. Instead, I made a 360 degree turn. I remember bricks, then, I suddenly found myself center lane, at a complete stop. How did my car stop? How did I get to the center lane? How was I still alive? If I passed out, which I must have, is it possible I made that 360 degree turn myself? My gut feeling kept saying NO

At that moment, an image of my grandmother’s sweet smiling face came to mind, then faded away. Next, I remembered the van, then all the cars that were on the road at my side, behind me, a head of me…and I panicked. I kept thinking: "I have to get out of here! I'm going to get hit!"

I turned the engine on convinced I must rush forward immediately, before someone hits me from behind, but the car was too slow for my liking. I took my foot off the break, looked into the rear view mirror - shocked. As if a giant invisible arm brushed all the vehicles far behind me over a hundred feet! They were all too far away! In fact, there was a foggy film of air between us. Where did the fog come from? It was such a beautiful summer night! I remember that clearly.

A chill came over me. I understood what happened, though, none of it made sense. I stepped on the gas pedal, slowly moving forward 20, 30, then 40 mph, all the while feeling eyes on me. By this time, the vehicles which were mysteriously moved far behind me have caught up. The strangest thing was that I soon realized I’ve seen them all before. The vehicles passing me by were the same vehicles I had passed by earlier that night. I wasn’t tired at all. I wasn't drunk. I was fully awake. This was no illusion. How could this be? Again, I began talking to myself: "I didn’t have a drop of alcohol in me. I wasn’t sick, I didn’t hurt my head. Is this the Twilight Zone? The vehicles were the same color, carrying the same people inside. I've seen them all before!

Like any sane person would do, I told myself what I’m thinking isn’t true. I said it out loud several times until I was almost convinced nothing happened. Sorting my thoughts, I spiraled through emotions. Tears filled my eyes thinking of my grandmother. Perhaps, it happened? Did she save me? I felt uneasy, swallowing hard, wiping away my tears. I couldn't stop. Ready to ball my eyes out, I pulled over to the breakdown lane where I broke all down.

My head turned to look out my open window, warm summer breeze smack in my face and the biggest shock of all. The gray van with the rowdy boys swished past me as if for the very first time! They were hanging out the windows, shouting the same lame drunken frat boy come ons as before: “Whohoa, baby! How ya doing tonight?” I froze in place. I got my answer. It happened. It really happened! I smelled the summer breeze, I heard the boys shouting, I saw the accident take place, I felt my grandmother all around me and I tasted my own tears. I can’t deny it. It was real. My senses told me it all happened. It’s like the proverbial tree. If no one hears it, did it fall? I knew it had. It fell. It happened.

If that is possible. Anything is possible! This is all we are. Our senses. If I had no senses I could dismiss all that happened. It would be easy. It would be easier than believing there is a while other world out there. A world we know nothing about. A world we lost touch with. However, I saw, I heard, I felt, I tasted my own salty tears that night and it proved everything to me. Everything I needed to know about life.

Life is a roller coaster ride. It goes up and down, winding every which way, slow at times, then fast, but knowing we all get off one day, it's important we keep going and that we enjoy the ride. We must make the best of life. We must learn to love and overcome fear. Since we all get off the ride someday, there should be no fear. Let's life fearlessly. Let's wipe away our tears and embrace the unusual!

It happened. It was a very scary realization, but in a way, it was incredible. Albert Einstein once said:
“I think therefore I am” I get it now. It's all about what I think. I have to be positive. I have to have hope. I felt like something 'out there' didn't want me to die. Maybe, I am meant for something great, something I have yet to achieve. Still, I wonder, who’s watching?