The Answer Within

~  The only thing we take with us is love   ~

"Can you hear it?" he said, placing his child's little hand over his ailing heart. "Great men do as they feel. It's there, all the time. Listen." 

As a child, Julius was unable to understand his father's dying words, but on this cold December night, a glimmer of light fell upon him when he found himself standing in a sad pool of regret. A rich man, with the world at his fingertips, Julius never listened to his heart. Now that it was time for him to enjoy life, there was nothing he could call his own. Clutching the railing, desperately holding onto life, he understood his father now. The voice within is the messenger of all. Foolish, irrational, even reckless at times, life is about moments. The cold air fueled his lungs as he stood suffocating, soaked in confusion. Warrior ways about him, ready to fold the battle of brutal stagnancy, he had no moments. He had everything, yet he had nothing of value in his life. It was not his father's voice he heard. It was Louisa. She stopped him by placing her delicately sculpted hand over his aristocrat thin long fingers and gently moved them from the railing, looking deep into his eyes. As if she heard his thoughts, as if she heard his cry, Louisa said: "Things are not so bad." Denial is neglect of self, ignorance of soul and a blatant disregard of man's greatest gift is the choice to be kind. "The answers are within, he said. Should I tell her how I feel? Louisa, I - " 

- from my novel Spring Time Among Ashes
(based on true events)

Laudanum

You soothe me, blanket and appease

You comfort me, when I'm not at ease

I’m coveted, riveted, forever teased

Pleasures of heaven dipped strawberries, I'm drowning in bliss

Two halves become one as we consummate in relentless kiss, bleed into me, my Adonais!

Underneath the coral reefs

Come to me! 

Flow through me!

Penetrating, eternally

Deeper than the vast blue sea

@2014

Interstellar

Under the starlight in the deep blue sea
blue stars are made of you and me

Two old souls ...
(I knew this when we met)
centuries old

we can't forget we come from stars and there we shall return! 

 

Life is just a blink of an eye
Earth is our sojourn!

I'm awake when you're asleep
I'm malleable, while you are stiff

You mourn the silence of our sky when tears become your sea of love, and I your echelon of hope

a lonely dove, one that flew the coop

a double edged sword, that cut the rope

the soothseyer, who avoids the brutal truth - that we are no more!

My sun will shine again, when love is all I feel

when love is returned to me

when love is truly real

Glowing

You were on Broadway when we met

I ran with the dolphins

you wanted to, but I remember love was not for you

Your desire was not for me

I never believed we were meant to be

I am set in my ways now

I know me now
I ignore yesterdays

yet, you're back ... somehow

You hypnotize me with your sky blue eyes

it's no surprise that I'm mesmerized

now I have the same dilemma in my lap

Is this a choice? or just another trap?

The echo in my confused head says - yes, but my heart thinks 'be like water my dear friend'  

Therefore, I ask you: What comes next?

You bow your head, not knowing

Once again, I chose to float away
Eternally peaceful ...glowing

Gill girl

Your emerald cage broke open

The tired sun has set

Do we idolize sweet love? 

Or die drowning in regret?

I am gill girl, I can cope

Yet, when you ruin love

I sink to the bottom of the ocean to live wet, while on dry land you will die

lamenting all you could have had ...with me

You see?

See my fins?

You can't unwish this!

I hit rock bottom!

I am soaking to the bone

My legs are gone now  

Underwater, I am home!

I told you I am not like everyone

I told you we can never be the same

Love isn't easy

Love is not a game!

Darkness

A sad hickory cloud hovered over me
I lay still never to be found

Proudly, I suppose, I stood my ground

When the air tightened up around me with the atmosphere gone
darkness found me
Floating on a winter river's run
paralyzed by cold, grasping for breath, which I had none
I gave up on this meaningless abode

Quietly floating on this thrill
my self assurance died.
No!
It was killed.

My cold saliva turned to ice and I felt nothing. Nothing, but the chill ...

I endured each and every lash.
Whips and scorns showered me with pain and crucified, like Christ, but not insane I lay misunderstood, floating, certain nothing much could ever break me, although, my blood soaked body dared to ache me with the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders and his harsh betrayal echoing in my head. Numb, I wondered, am I still alive or am I dead?

As a yelping shriek of an abandoned banshee rides into town on her crimson tidal wave, my crushed skull spilled open in it's creases with hot blood melting away the early snow.
This dandelion flesh turns work of art, conquering his fragile little heart, tearing mine into a million little pieces with one blow
My fire made his dim.
With no aid to his defense, no one to  hear him scream
Only, love made no more sense

Men are ruled by stars, so stars they seek
Gods reward the weary and the meek

There are things I will never forget
Some things can never be undone
There is someone for everyone, I thought
A free spirit, reflecting on her life, I handle pain
Love is now my drive

When I placed a dark shroud on my head I waved good bye to false love
I let myself be dead
Defenseless as I was, a woman scorned, his promises meant nothing, they are gone
With tears in my eyes, my mortal tears eaten up by the busy waves
I'm counting hours of my life, lonely hours instead of lonely days

The truth is I died long ago, when all I hoped to know once came to me in a strange, very vivid dream
I realized it was my faith that rescued me
What I give to others I also give to me
Now Love is my religion
Now that I can see

I have no more tears to shed, no eyes, no hands, no body and no head
Floating above my winter river bed this wretched little soul and words inside my head
I lifted up without any wings
I become one with everything
I found a place where only love can find me
Pain erased, bright light head, darkness far behind me

The river engaged in her fancy trip by a bent oak tree that ripped my stiff cloak off my naked body giving it another ice cold soak
side to side I dipped in, then once over
my mind someplace else examining the rainbows, wind chimes and colors never seen
I was working on my afterbirth, but as soon as my face touched the water, consciously revived, I tried to scream  - Noooooooo! No words came out. I couldn't comprehend why my ordeal found an end.
I was happy there, astonished by the things that I have seen
Yet, they removed me from the river as my blood soaked body entertained some men
pulled me back into my body from the wonder world where I have been

Street lights …railing …. remembering the crash …I heard a voice, then with a rush of images I pulled back into me
A voice said: "This is how it has to be."
It wasn't my time, I get it now, I do
Love is everlasting, that is nothing new, but I also learned that life is about overcoming fear
and that death is a transition.
Love never disappears

Love is not a thing I need, yet, love is what I want
The kind of love where I can barely breathe
I really thought I knew me with the old, but finding love again, somehow, love is void of pain
and on my mind are his hands, his lips, those brown eyes that pierce through me ... melting!
Of course I never know me!
It is a kind of love I never felt.
Now that I am grown, real love found me on her own  and it's the kind of love that feels like home 

I act, therefore, I am

@2008 - original poem about acting, please don't reprint without permission



In ancient festivals of mask and horn
In rivalry and peace, the first actor had been born

Many since have followed, even more 'arrived'
some, on money borrowed, others just survived

Not one, but many has the little bugger bit,
when they hurried up to wait, to make their home on stage
as one brave actor made his pilot role a hit
another worked a stage role for sad pocket change
but we stand united floating on that raft
that developed our poise from spectacle to craft
we walk the footsteps of oh so many greats
from Hemingway to Shakespeare
Bart Simpson, Norman Bates
in hope of bringing joy to someone's heart
we proudly stand before you
representing art

I work to fill my desperate need to give
when they pull this curtain once more to a rise
for an actor only though his art can live and his reward is in the audience's eyes ....

In a beastly rage I proudly entertain
In everlasting prose I speak of love
Yet, in my spirit ... all remains the same

I am an actor, who can never work enough! 

Stardust

When God decides it is time to die

each one of us becomes a star


Another realm
from where we come
life ends
where it once began💞

My Summer Sky

by a fairy, to a Siren

Tell me, my sweet butterfly
Am I special in your eyes?

I love you, do you love me still?
If not, I will disappear!
I will never, ever, reappear!

Was it true love in your eyes?
Solstice, moon and fireflies
When out of sight
When out of mind 
Your everything shall change tonight!
My summer sky will set things right!
What love was dim, will now shine too bright!

I am still

There is nothing I can do
The way we see the world is a vision split in two
Sometimes I wonder if you still
Sometimes I wonder if you will

Thoughts undeserved
The way your lips are curved
That twinkle in your eye
 …  a love I can't deny

When the raindrops fall

What we want
what we need
cuts my heart until it bleeds
I remember everything, but
I would rather let the raindrops sing
Without a doubt our hearts have bled, but don't forget to love instead
When heavy rains pound the fragile leaves
Our Eden fills with salty tears and I rejoice in disbelief that a love like this ever came to me
Effortless, as if meant to be

In dreams ...

In dreams, my heart betrays me
My days are not yet done
Wherever life shall take me, I haven't lost
I won

What I see speaks to me

It tells me nothing new

Your sweet, delicate words of love are not the very thing you do

Sentimental days are a thing of our past
To cherish love, one must love
Making sweet love last

The last I dared myself to see terrible shame came over me

a day after I gave thee thanks, new bodkin raised old painful ranks to simply unacceptable
You are unbearable, incomparable
My discontent I can not hide
My reply to you is  - nevermind

Where the heart is, there is poetry

Please, I ask you reach inside your heart to grab a feeling you can share
Trust me, you have feelings
you're just unaware

Love isn't something that you get
Love doesn't drop down on your head, like a giant cow
Love is when you care for someone else instead

Love isn't something that you need
Love isn't something you can write or read
Love isn't something that you do

Love is being a live for someone else  - forgetting you

Ying & Yang

Love is when you look into my eyes and you see everything you need

When the air is sucked out of the atmosphere, but somehow we can breathe

I am day and you are night

Your yang is black
My yin is white

Everything is wrong, but feels so right

When the pale moon throbs with the shining sun

I become your everyone
 All I see is you

love finally feels true ♥

Stone cold

You quote to relate your feelings and your thoughts
long ago someone forgot to care for you
back then your feelings didn't matter
now they do
but now you are stone cold
I think I hurt you too

If you can't feel, I will feel for you
If you can't heal, know that I am true
If you can't speak, I will speak for you
but please, don't be weak
weakness kills me too



Let it be me, let it flow through me ...
Until you hear the call of mind-blowing amazing love you can't resist
starving for that never-ending must have kiss

When you crave me like you never have before
when your very soul is aching to the core
when passionate dreams control your mind, pumping divine bliss into your every part ...

When you listen to your heart and you give in

when your every thought of us is wrapped in sin

remember, there is no such thing as a stone cold heart

if you can hate, then you can love
stop tearing us apart

Here is a Heart

Adelaide was a rock star. Boy she loved to play! She wrote a new song every single day til one night, when she reconnected with her past, forced to face a love she knew would never last, Adelaide became unhappy. Entangled and upset, feeling somewhat strange, her frustration grew, but no one ever knew how bad it was for her. The situation rearranged her life. Love felt like a sharp knife cutting through her heart. In many ways she wanted to escape to some wonderful other place, praying for much better days to come.

Inside her head the band played on, boosting the same old crap on her brand new gramophone, but to her great surprise, Adelaide came to realize she was glad that song was over. When it finally played out, Sonny came along one sweet December night. They wrote beautiful songs together, but somehow things weren't any better, because Rocket refused to diminish, crawling his way to the finish, searching for a way out of his hole, squeezing her heart like a f--ing  a--hole!

Caught in a trap, everything felt wrong and nothing
right; Adelaide couldn't concentrate on songs, day or night. Sonny thought everything was fine, but she needed a lot more at the time, thinking everything she ever heard from men were lies.... in her eyes flirting became weary. Adelaide, prepared to say good bye, had to end this, because she couldn't live a lie. That's when their cheery song turned to a drone, a classical piano tune went all trombone and harmony fell out of tune. Soon, there was very little left or not enough. The room fell silent to an accidental theft of love. Sonny totally freaked out (convinced the moon, the stars and planets were designed to dance around his grace), so romance went to hell (now Sonny says Adelaide's new place ) and squabbles killed the song writing, which brought on massive nail biting and serenades became grenades. Adelaide broke her gramophone, screaming she will never write another song, but not long after this she realized, the coolest thing about love is the surprise, not knowing what comes next ... the spaces in between the scribbled text... being true at heart and never fake..... that kind of love takes the cake!  

A thousand years

A drop of ice

Diamond tears
I'm afraid
I'm kind of a bait for your revenge
too far away ...

To be your love, all your love, all devotion

I break away, steal away

Drink this potion of my memory

Tell me how it's going to be

In the end

I realized, I'm not afraid
Whatever will be is not up to me
Intoxicate me 

Now you see, we

Break away, take away, all emotion
Steal away, run away

Every motion makes new memories

Tell me how it's going to be

A drop of ice

a crystal clear diamond tear
I'm never afraid
never a bait
I'm too far away ....

Life is a maze, love is a riddle

Mayans believed time is round
when humanity is heaven bound
five minutes remaining on the clock
time ticking way
I'm at the dock
dipping my feet in the winter river stream
testing the water
before jumping in
I will not scream, I have no fear
knowing that our end is near
I tried, perhaps, with some regret
to lose my pride
now wide awake

With a second chance I must be true, in life, as well as in romance

Before I knew me I was blind, but my eyes have opened
now I see fine, just as you see through me, easily

We are nothing more than a human stain in wild dreams of hope and pain
 Like you, I learn from every moment, everyone I meet and love

I learn to love and how to be loved, I believe in destiny

Perhaps, in some silly way, it's my own personal victory

One

Zen Buddhists practice zazen, a seated meditation. To achieve a sense of oneness with the universe, one does not need to practice Zen Buddhism religiously and still be able to absorb the benefits of zen meditation. We are all connected. We are one with all, vibrational beings of light and sound.

We perceive ourselves to be physical bodies, yet in truth every cell inside us, and everything we touch, see, taste and feel is in constant motion.
We are not solid entities. We are fused with the environment as well as vibrationally connected to one another, however close or far we may be from each other. For some, zen meditation is religion, for others it is a form of relaxation and for some it is a way of life. Meditation is a path

Waterfall

for my daddy ♥ 

( February 13, 1947 - September 1, 2004 )

WATERFALL

 

Lost in the world, feeling all alone

aching, as his will is gone

cancer strikes, yet, he battles on!

A warrior.

A champion!

Iron-clad chains weigh him down, masquerading as sacrifice

Yet, hope remains where sweet love reigns ...

He gave me my big beautiful blue eyes 

 I wish to see him smile again

I come to realize

I am an immigrant child in his paradise

I kneel to humbly dare to pray

confused about what to say, I ask for help, soaked in guilt

thriving, in a world he built

Please stay, stay, I dare say

Thinking back to when life was fair

the woods, the rivers … our precious past, our joyful days, sweet memories that last…

I now see, how much he longs to be the way he was, when young and strong, a gushing bull of energy

Standing tall, I understood, why once an oak, he barely could

why his river turned a waterfall

why I long to love him after all

Perhaps, on this very quiet night

he, sitting by the lonely light

will take me back to a time I miss, when wrong made good with a simple kiss

Perhaps, he'll think about that time

when the world was his and he was none, but mine