Empty

EMPTY

Your self-inflicted wound will never heal if you keep my heart at bay 

and yours in chains!

You really think I don't know how you feel?
I know.
I feel everything you're feeling

I heard the unspoken words within, because I hear it all

All, but your thoughts and yet, it's words, only words

They’re not enough

Honor me, my soul that is your soul
Show me love!

In your cloak with a dagger you dig deep into pain
Carving kind words into your own flesh

Why can't you just say them? You refuse?

When you punish me, you punish you

Sinking into your filthy swamp of strange abuse

Your love is heavy, as is mine ....yet, sometimes, in shades of deepest blue - I'm fine

There is no tomorrow, 

There's only now
My lungs are empty

My heart is hollow

Still, I try to breathe somehow

Gill girl

Your emerald cage broke open

The tired sun has set

Do we idolize sweet love? 

Or die drowning in regret?

I am gill girl, I can cope

Yet, when you ruin love

I sink to the bottom of the ocean to live wet, while on dry land you will die

lamenting all you could have had ...with me

You see?

See my fins?

You can't unwish this!

I hit rock bottom!

I am soaking to the bone

My legs are gone now  

Underwater, I am home!

I told you I am not like everyone

I told you we can never be the same

Love isn't easy

Love is not a game!

Darkness

A sad hickory cloud hovered over me
I lay still never to be found

Proudly, I suppose, I stood my ground

When the air tightened up around me with the atmosphere gone
darkness found me
Floating on a winter river's run
paralyzed by cold, grasping for breath, which I had none
I gave up on this meaningless abode

Quietly floating on this thrill
my self assurance died.
No!
It was killed.

My cold saliva turned to ice and I felt nothing. Nothing, but the chill ...

I endured each and every lash.
Whips and scorns showered me with pain and crucified, like Christ, but not insane I lay misunderstood, floating, certain nothing much could ever break me, although, my blood soaked body dared to ache me with the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders and his harsh betrayal echoing in my head. Numb, I wondered, am I still alive or am I dead?

As a yelping shriek of an abandoned banshee rides into town on her crimson tidal wave, my crushed skull spilled open in it's creases with hot blood melting away the early snow.
This dandelion flesh turns work of art, conquering his fragile little heart, tearing mine into a million little pieces with one blow
My fire made his dim.
With no aid to his defense, no one to  hear him scream
Only, love made no more sense

Men are ruled by stars, so stars they seek
Gods reward the weary and the meek

There are things I will never forget
Some things can never be undone
There is someone for everyone, I thought
A free spirit, reflecting on her life, I handle pain
Love is now my drive

When I placed a dark shroud on my head I waved good bye to false love
I let myself be dead
Defenseless as I was, a woman scorned, his promises meant nothing, they are gone
With tears in my eyes, my mortal tears eaten up by the busy waves
I'm counting hours of my life, lonely hours instead of lonely days

The truth is I died long ago, when all I hoped to know once came to me in a strange, very vivid dream
I realized it was my faith that rescued me
What I give to others I also give to me
Now Love is my religion
Now that I can see

I have no more tears to shed, no eyes, no hands, no body and no head
Floating above my winter river bed this wretched little soul and words inside my head
I lifted up without any wings
I become one with everything
I found a place where only love can find me
Pain erased, bright light head, darkness far behind me

The river engaged in her fancy trip by a bent oak tree that ripped my stiff cloak off my naked body giving it another ice cold soak
side to side I dipped in, then once over
my mind someplace else examining the rainbows, wind chimes and colors never seen
I was working on my afterbirth, but as soon as my face touched the water, consciously revived, I tried to scream  - Noooooooo! No words came out. I couldn't comprehend why my ordeal found an end.
I was happy there, astonished by the things that I have seen
Yet, they removed me from the river as my blood soaked body entertained some men
pulled me back into my body from the wonder world where I have been

Street lights …railing …. remembering the crash …I heard a voice, then with a rush of images I pulled back into me
A voice said: "This is how it has to be."
It wasn't my time, I get it now, I do
Love is everlasting, that is nothing new, but I also learned that life is about overcoming fear
and that death is a transition.
Love never disappears

Love is not a thing I need, yet, love is what I want
The kind of love where I can barely breathe
I really thought I knew me with the old, but finding love again, somehow, love is void of pain
and on my mind are his hands, his lips, those brown eyes that pierce through me ... melting!
Of course I never know me!
It is a kind of love I never felt.
Now that I am grown, real love found me on her own  and it's the kind of love that feels like home 

I act, therefore, I am

@2008 - original poem about acting, please don't reprint without permission



In ancient festivals of mask and horn
In rivalry and peace, the first actor had been born

Many since have followed, even more 'arrived'
some, on money borrowed, others just survived

Not one, but many has the little bugger bit,
when they hurried up to wait, to make their home on stage
as one brave actor made his pilot role a hit
another worked a stage role for sad pocket change
but we stand united floating on that raft
that developed our poise from spectacle to craft
we walk the footsteps of oh so many greats
from Hemingway to Shakespeare
Bart Simpson, Norman Bates
in hope of bringing joy to someone's heart
we proudly stand before you
representing art

I work to fill my desperate need to give
when they pull this curtain once more to a rise
for an actor only though his art can live and his reward is in the audience's eyes ....

In a beastly rage I proudly entertain
In everlasting prose I speak of love
Yet, in my spirit ... all remains the same

I am an actor, who can never work enough! 

Stardust

When God decides it is time to die

each one of us becomes a star


Another realm
from where we come
life ends
where it once began💞

In dreams ...

In dreams, my heart betrays me
My days are not yet done
Wherever life shall take me, I haven't lost
I won

What I see speaks to me

It tells me nothing new

Your sweet, delicate words of love are not the very thing you do

Sentimental days are a thing of our past
To cherish love, one must love
Making sweet love last

The last I dared myself to see terrible shame came over me

a day after I gave thee thanks, new bodkin raised old painful ranks to simply unacceptable
You are unbearable, incomparable
My discontent I can not hide
My reply to you is  - nevermind

Where the heart is, there is poetry

Please, I ask you reach inside your heart to grab a feeling you can share
Trust me, you have feelings
you're just unaware

Love isn't something that you get
Love doesn't drop down on your head, like a giant cow
Love is when you care for someone else instead

Love isn't something that you need
Love isn't something you can write or read
Love isn't something that you do

Love is being a live for someone else  - forgetting you

Ying & Yang

Love is when you look into my eyes and you see everything you need

When the air is sucked out of the atmosphere, but somehow we can breathe

I am day and you are night

Your yang is black
My yin is white

Everything is wrong, but feels so right

When the pale moon throbs with the shining sun

I become your everyone
 All I see is you

love finally feels true ♥

One

Zen Buddhists practice zazen, a seated meditation. To achieve a sense of oneness with the universe, one does not need to practice Zen Buddhism religiously and still be able to absorb the benefits of zen meditation. We are all connected. We are one with all, vibrational beings of light and sound.

We perceive ourselves to be physical bodies, yet in truth every cell inside us, and everything we touch, see, taste and feel is in constant motion.
We are not solid entities. We are fused with the environment as well as vibrationally connected to one another, however close or far we may be from each other. For some, zen meditation is religion, for others it is a form of relaxation and for some it is a way of life. Meditation is a path

Waterfall

for my daddy ♥ 

( February 13, 1947 - September 1, 2004 )

WATERFALL

 

Lost in the world, feeling all alone

aching, as his will is gone

cancer strikes, yet, he battles on!

A warrior.

A champion!

Iron-clad chains weigh him down, masquerading as sacrifice

Yet, hope remains where sweet love reigns ...

He gave me my big beautiful blue eyes 

 I wish to see him smile again

I come to realize

I am an immigrant child in his paradise

I kneel to humbly dare to pray

confused about what to say, I ask for help, soaked in guilt

thriving, in a world he built

Please stay, stay, I dare say

Thinking back to when life was fair

the woods, the rivers … our precious past, our joyful days, sweet memories that last…

I now see, how much he longs to be the way he was, when young and strong, a gushing bull of energy

Standing tall, I understood, why once an oak, he barely could

why his river turned a waterfall

why I long to love him after all

Perhaps, on this very quiet night

he, sitting by the lonely light

will take me back to a time I miss, when wrong made good with a simple kiss

Perhaps, he'll think about that time

when the world was his and he was none, but mine 

Doomed

His venomous poison

Her deadly sting

A ring of fire with wild furnishings
Her alien eyes
His desperate cries

You turn me inside out, he lies
I am so confused
I don't recognize myself
feeling sweet Sangria high

when muddy rivers truth will spill

my pretty clouds will disappear
 icy chill will steal the room
 I will die

I know this
I am doomed

Let it go

If something feels untoward it isn't just a phase

When things weigh heavy on my heart

I put them in a vase

with purple roses, baby breath and poetry of mind

I bottle my pain in a crystal vase

and let the world unwind!

Haiku

Enjoy life and wine

 but never forget the love
in atonement

Madness

Sadly, I gaze upon my shattered eyes... 

This was love everlasting? 

Hm...

It's no surprise deep darkness dwells upon your crooked lips

Behold! Madness! What? More lies?

The company you keep is deceitful touch!

This pyramid is your monument

It isn't much

Safe inside these sacred clouds, where solemn nights creep upon me like a villain's guilt
I untie this bond.
I let go
Hiding in the dead of night! No more!

To and from the arms of heaven I have flown when
in and out of evil hands have I betrothed my dear porcelain heart

I weep mourning thy unbashful offers
As always, I am left behind
Picking up the pieces

What is left of me I sew into a packet of sweet potpuri
Your wrong becomes my right
I break the chains, opening my tired eyes to find my love remains

It's true

Alas! 

Thy everlasting love is fading

You are denied
For all eternity

A Choice

In college, I met an amazing young woman named Olga. She was beautiful and intelligent and one heck of a chess player. One day we argued over life and death; weather there is life after death at all. 
I insisted life goes on. Olga kept saying: "When you're dead, you're dead." 

I hope, for her sake, that I was correct. I never knew our existential debate meant more than words to her. One day a mutual friend informed me Olga committed suicide. 

I often think of her. Could I have said something to stop her, had I known?
I wish I had a chance to go back in time. I would fight for her life and tell her that she's important, that she needs to believe each life on Earth matters.  
I would tell her that however bad things may seem at the moment the future is in her hands. She can have any life she wants. I would tell her happiness is a choice and the negative can only hurt us if we let it. 

Olga 

• Date of Birth: March 1969 Date of Death: August 1998
• Zodiac: Pisces Died at Age: 29 Lived: 10763 days

---------------------------------------------------

If I died, would you cry for me?

If I reach down from the sky, will you come to me?

Will I see your eyes tearing up for me?

You died, Olga

We cried for you

You should have heard me scolding you

I wish you were here, so one more time we'd fight

One more time you'd win
Transparent in the night

I wave a white flag in my dream
then sadness comes

you bow your chin

the flag becomes a bloody rag
your soul within
 a child of sin

Are you happy where you are?

Feel you less than mortal pain?

If the place you love can save the weak, should others then salvation seek?

Should I too attempt this dance, before God himself grants me the chance?

So quick and sudden you turned away

So young
Only you arrived

What went through your troubled mind from day to day?
You cut your flesh in moments so contrived
You're not forgotten
Memories sink deep
Frozen in time the clock stopped ticking
Late at night, you drifted off to sleep
Now everyone you loved at your grave kneels weeping

You welcome death, the so called other side

No more breath
Nothing more to hide

In your satin bed, you took a wild ride

When we argued about life and death
Your pain must have been deep
I never knew
I never even had a chance to tell you, to wake you from your sleep

No good bye
You closed your eyes
I stayed

I recognize your plight, but Olga, I can't apologize
 I choose to stay and fight

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Imagine for a moment the sun is not only your light, it is your guide
the end of a tunnel, a way out of darkness.

Imagine all the beauty in the world, mountains, oceans, wildflower fields
even the horizon, however great
none compare to the beauty of Nirvana

Allow your thoughts to travel

become a beam of light

think not on pain, suffering or posessions, let go of fear

take flight!

When We Shuffle Off

A small piece of toast, side of apple butter and a cup of peach tea are my only breakfast companion this chilly winter New York morning. Looking outside the café window I see life in motion. Hello January! A brand new year is here! Some say it's our last. Others believe life will continue undisturbed.“Will there be anything else?” the waitress asks, inviting me to spiral further down the rabbit hole. I shake my head 'no' to other breakfast food, but will there, be, anything else?

My dad used to say: As many languages you speak, that many times you are a person. I am proud of my multilingual existence. Every few years I take on a new tongue. However, with the possibility of multiple dimensions, parallel worlds and reincarnation, that ‘existence’ infinitely multiplies! When Max Plank first kicked the idea of the string theory in motion, was he in pursuit of existential answers? Did Einstein ever waste his time thinking about death? Albie didn’t believe in wasting time. Einstein owned four identical suits to avoid time wasted thinking about what to wear each day. I wonder if Stephen Hawking thinks about life after death or if Michio Kaku believes in afterlife? Do any these brainiacs believe in God? Who among us hasn’t asked THE question at least once? French post-impressionist Gauguin went as far as painting his concerns in oil. Were do we come from? Who are we? What happens when we die?

The greatest poet of our time was also a phenomenal philosopher. In Hamlet’s famous soliloquy Shakespeare begins with: To be, or not to be. The bard questions life. Are we better off facing destiny, taking whatever cards we’re dealt or should we have courage enough to take matters into our own hands, thereby, calling it quits. Should we bid adieu to life? Should we rid ourselves of pain once and for all? For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come? Shakespeare asks. What happens when the soul separates from body? What are the mysterious twenty one grams that escape us when we finally 'shuffle off'? After all, tea spilling out from a broken cup is still tea, even soaked into a napkin, therefore, is the body nothing more than a shell? If this be true, who are we then? Are we the body or the mind?

What happened to the dead souls long before our time? Are they here? Are they above us? Beside us? Bellow? Are they watching over us? Are they the stars that come out every night? Is that where we come from? Is that where we go? Perhaps, we are stardust. 'There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life!' We must be cowards. IWhy do we live so long? We wait until our bodies give out; until we have no choice, but to pass. We would rather suffer inside our mortal shells afraid of the unknown, then embrace what comes! In the realm of the unknown, where we don't need a body, we do not suffer. Is suffering is the only way we know we’re alive? What if it is the only way we are aware of our existence?

I take the last sip of what is now a very cold and bitter cup of tea, hearing laughter inside my head. It is the proverbial tree in the forest laughing. We are all trees. Is it not true that without our senses we would not know of one another? If we couldn't see, taste, feel, hear or smell would we exist? Can it be concluded none of this is real? Can it be said that life is an illusion? What if life is a vibration of sounds, colors and impulses perceived by our brains? We only about 3%.

I think, therefore I am.

Clearly, without my body I can still hear my thoughts. I don't need ears to hear my thoughts. Why is it that I ignore my inside voice so often? Shouldn't I trust it? I am certain it knows me better than I know myself, but who am I? Am I that voice? Time is one. I believe all time is one. There is no before or after. There is only now. As cowards 'we grunt and sweat under this weary life' and rather than facing eternal void, we yearn to remain sleeping. I'm ashamed of this weakness.

Inside me, the voice says: "Follow the white rabbit, Neo!" I know it is the fear of the unknown holding me back. The 'undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveler returns' It seems to be a scary place. To believe in heaven, one must believe in hell. If you want to believe there is good, you must believe in bad. Therefore, if there is a hell, we better take our sweet time getting there. (Just in case we're headed there...) Naturally, we are logical creatures. As George Bernard Shaw explains in Man and Superman, we are born greedy. We do what we can to survive and to protect ourselves. We do this out of fear. In history, the bravest living creatures faced their worst fears driven by love and passion in their hearts. Perhaps, that is the lesson we must learn. We are alive to overcome fear and to discover love.

Victor Frankel’s Man’s Search for a Meaning, work of Hobbs, Kafka, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Shaw, Camus... philosophers whose books I read many moons ago, lead me to conclude that life is reason. It is the series of choices we make. It's school with non stop exams. We face that which we are afraid of over and over until we find love. Love is the greatest strength of all.

If humanity sprung from a few microbes, then, when we die, the show is over . There is nothing after death, but is this a pleasant thought? I suppose that kind of thinking makes everything easier. Does it make any sense? If there is nothing after death, why bother learning, experiencing, understanding at life at all? The truth is that if we had only one choice to make in life there's a reason for all this - life.

If we allow ourselves to believe in God and take part in the mass delusion embraced by all religions life and the possibility of afterlife gain definition. Therefore, the choices we make in life give meaning to our lives and by extension, define afterlife. If there is no life after death, life has no meaning. It is as easy as 1, 2, 3. None of us are quick to embrace God or religion, especially not in the modern world. Unless God is beaten into our brains from birth by our religious parents, religion makes very little sense to most of us. When we give meaning to our lives by choosing to believe in something we are eternal. Shall I call myself an optimist? My tea may be stone cold and bitter now, but my cup remains half full. Life is sweet.

Siren Song

(a song from an original play, my mermaid's tale - Marseille)
Your sad eyes tell a story

that in my heart I keep

A thousand year old tale of love
which sadly makes me weep

When the ocean calls to me

I wake up from my sleep,

Oh, my dear love come to me
thousand oceans deep

Whispering I love you
I find you at the shore
We sleep together in the coral sand
together evermore.

A Toast!

Our living room sofa is old and worn, why mom wanted leather, I can’t say...

I'm comfortable at home, I feel serene, in a warm blanket, sipping vine, listening to an evergreen
 





It's a first night into a New Year’s day and I'm finally free of my daily grind,
at least over the holidays

Now, admiring our Christmas tree,  brightly twinkling back at me,
decorated in memories, bought, received and found,

embedded in my brain by color, taste and sound
I'm thinking, where will I be a year from now?
 

Four years ago I had a father, now it’s just mum and I somehow...
My little brother is getting married! It’s true, I suppose, life goes on.... I don't know much, but I know one thing: Whatever we expect from life, whatever it may be, we must believe in something, so I

believe ... I believe in me.

Here, here! I'll drink to that on this glitzy night!

Shine on Christmass tree! Shine on sweet moonlight!

I shall do my very best ‘til next year, when once again I rest next to a brand new tree, making another silly wish and foolishly, I'll wish I were a fish!
 

If only I could dwell upon the mighty ocean waves!

Flipping my long tail, making a big ol' splash! Oh, yes!

Covered in scales, but I guess who cares, when I'm glistening and gliding in the air...in and out of water, free from all restrain! Rejoicing, ignorant of pain…

God, why have I never known such bliss? Why have I never felt as free?

Can it really be so easy, that with a little fantasy, there can be a brand new me! Well, if it's such an easy task, what on Earth am I waiting for? I'll pretend it's next year now!

Forget 2008, here’s to 2009! (gulp, gulp, gulp)  ... hoping that my special wish comes true somehow.

 

The Fog

I spend my free time reading or writing, but ten years ago, I was out clubbing almost every night of the week. Hours of dancing were followed up with a slice of delicious pizza at Boston Kenmore Sq Pizza pad or quick kebab wrap from a street vendor at the back of Fenway Park. One Friday, I said no to pizza. I just wanted to get home, curl up in my bed and get some much needed sleep.

Driving down crowded Lansdowne street, where sweaty tired people enveloped my car like a herd of wild bull. I made my way toward the interstate taking me home to the south side of Beantown.

It was almost three in the morning, but to my surprise, I wasn’t tired. I was not inebriated. I may have been a little hungry, but it was a beautiful summer night and I rather enjoyed the ride home. The air was clear and the sky still dark enough for stars, though I noticed not many were out. I was singing along to Cocteau Twins, mumbling strange words in true karaoke with my window rolled down all the way. The warm summer breeze seeping in was an absolute dream. I wasn't dreaming. I was fully awake, though what happened next was unexplainable.

t remember thinking the highway is exceptionally busy around me. I was driving 60 mph about to go under an overpass, when a gray van full of rowdy boys came hurling out of nowhere. I almost ran my car into a wall reacting in a millisecond when they got too close to me. I turned the steering wheel too far over to the right, fast and very forcefully, trying to avoid a collision with the van, only to realize there was no breakdown lane to my right. All I saw was a stone wall.

Somehow, I never hit that wall. Instead, I made a 360 degree turn. I remember bricks, then, I suddenly found myself center lane, at a complete stop. How did my car stop? How did I get to the center lane? How was I still alive? If I passed out, which I must have, is it possible I made that 360 degree turn myself? My gut feeling kept saying NO

At that moment, an image of my grandmother’s sweet smiling face came to mind, then faded away. Next, I remembered the van, then all the cars that were on the road at my side, behind me, a head of me…and I panicked. I kept thinking: "I have to get out of here! I'm going to get hit!"

I turned the engine on convinced I must rush forward immediately, before someone hits me from behind, but the car was too slow for my liking. I took my foot off the break, looked into the rear view mirror - shocked. As if a giant invisible arm brushed all the vehicles far behind me over a hundred feet! They were all too far away! In fact, there was a foggy film of air between us. Where did the fog come from? It was such a beautiful summer night! I remember that clearly.

A chill came over me. I understood what happened, though, none of it made sense. I stepped on the gas pedal, slowly moving forward 20, 30, then 40 mph, all the while feeling eyes on me. By this time, the vehicles which were mysteriously moved far behind me have caught up. The strangest thing was that I soon realized I’ve seen them all before. The vehicles passing me by were the same vehicles I had passed by earlier that night. I wasn’t tired at all. I wasn't drunk. I was fully awake. This was no illusion. How could this be? Again, I began talking to myself: "I didn’t have a drop of alcohol in me. I wasn’t sick, I didn’t hurt my head. Is this the Twilight Zone? The vehicles were the same color, carrying the same people inside. I've seen them all before!

Like any sane person would do, I told myself what I’m thinking isn’t true. I said it out loud several times until I was almost convinced nothing happened. Sorting my thoughts, I spiraled through emotions. Tears filled my eyes thinking of my grandmother. Perhaps, it happened? Did she save me? I felt uneasy, swallowing hard, wiping away my tears. I couldn't stop. Ready to ball my eyes out, I pulled over to the breakdown lane where I broke all down.

My head turned to look out my open window, warm summer breeze smack in my face and the biggest shock of all. The gray van with the rowdy boys swished past me as if for the very first time! They were hanging out the windows, shouting the same lame drunken frat boy come ons as before: “Whohoa, baby! How ya doing tonight?” I froze in place. I got my answer. It happened. It really happened! I smelled the summer breeze, I heard the boys shouting, I saw the accident take place, I felt my grandmother all around me and I tasted my own tears. I can’t deny it. It was real. My senses told me it all happened. It’s like the proverbial tree. If no one hears it, did it fall? I knew it had. It fell. It happened.

If that is possible. Anything is possible! This is all we are. Our senses. If I had no senses I could dismiss all that happened. It would be easy. It would be easier than believing there is a while other world out there. A world we know nothing about. A world we lost touch with. However, I saw, I heard, I felt, I tasted my own salty tears that night and it proved everything to me. Everything I needed to know about life.

Life is a roller coaster ride. It goes up and down, winding every which way, slow at times, then fast, but knowing we all get off one day, it's important we keep going and that we enjoy the ride. We must make the best of life. We must learn to love and overcome fear. Since we all get off the ride someday, there should be no fear. Let's life fearlessly. Let's wipe away our tears and embrace the unusual!

It happened. It was a very scary realization, but in a way, it was incredible. Albert Einstein once said:
“I think therefore I am” I get it now. It's all about what I think. I have to be positive. I have to have hope. I felt like something 'out there' didn't want me to die. Maybe, I am meant for something great, something I have yet to achieve. Still, I wonder, who’s watching?